


The Cows

by orphan_account



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: DEFINITELY my worst and grossest fic ever, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Swearing, Underage Drinking, Vomiting, get ready for everyone to shit themselves, its kind of gross
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-17 06:42:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21049997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Of course out of all of his fucking friends it was Dustin who ended up in jail first. And not even for something cool like murder or armed robbery, he had just wanted to take a shit.Or, the party gets drunk and shenanigans ensure.  Lucas shits himself, Dustin ends up in jail, and Steve just loves ABBA.  Rated teen and up for a lot of swearing





	The Cows

Of course out of all of his fucking friends it was Dustin who ended up in jail first. And not even for something cool like murder or armed robbery, he had just wanted to take a shit.

He was in shock that out of all the dumbass decisions he had made, and man there were a lot of them to choose from, this was the one that got him in the big house. He was never going to get to go to college now, or join the FBI. His entire dream of being an undercover cop was over now because he damn well knew that Hopper was putting this on his record.

He was going to kill Lucas when he got out of here. He was pretty sure Hopper would count at as manslaughter after what he had done. Besides, he was already in jail so he had nothing to lose. For some reason unknown to man Max and Lucas had become obsessed with going through dumpsters in their free time. Anyway, this time they had found one containing a shit ton of alcohol. They neglected to think about why it was all thrown away, and immediately stole it for a good old party get together.

He wanted to go to Mike’s place, but that wasn’t an option after Max hit Mike's mom with her car. To be fair it was more of a tap then a hit, but it still caused a lot of unpleasantness. For some reason which was a mystery to him, Steve had decided it was time for Max to really learn how to drive. She actually wasn’t that bad, she just had shitty vision and no depth perception. That paired with intense road rage was enough to even terrify Dustin. And give Mike's mom a minor concussion apparently. Anyway, she wasn’t welcome at the Wheeler’s anymore, so they had to get creative.

So, they decided to go get drunk at his house. In hindsight it was a terrible idea. But his mom was gone for the weekend and they were just your everyday irresponsible teens. They got a shit ton of junk food (also from the dumpster) and milk, and sat back for a good old party night. Next time they hung out he was just going to buy snacks from the gas station like a normal person. And he was never going to fucking drink again.

“You’re a little bitch Mikey.” Max whisper giggled, throwing popcorn at him. For some reason El thought that was the funniest thing in the world and latched onto Max, breaking into crazy person laughter. Max had been saying essentially the same thing over and over again for the past hour, and it still got El every time. The two of them together was an absolute disaster, El got clingy and Max got giggley and the two of them just held onto each other and laughed. It was better than that one time El had twerked on Max, so this was a win.

Dustin took a huge swing of milk, right from the carton. Absentmindedly he wondered why it tasted like asshole. In hindsight, drinking warm dumpster milk was a terrible idea, especially because he was already lactose intolerant. But Lucas had challenged him to a milk drink off, and he wasn’t going to fucking lose. No one ever said he was smart. Besides he didn’t need “logic” or “any semblance of intelligence” when he had boyish good looks and the charm of an angel.

Mike shoveled an entire handful of cheetos into his mouth at the same time. His lips and mouth were completely stained orange, and Max whispered “bitch” at him, falling into another fit of giggles. Max had gained the unfortunate habit of calling everyone bitch, including random adults, teachers, and the cops. Yet somehow he was the one in fucking jail.

“We should start a band.” Lucas decided, snapping his fingers. “I could play the maracas. I’m really fucking good at the maracas.” He had never looked more confident, and Dustin sat up in his seat. It was fucking genius.

“We would be the best fucking bad in the world.” He took another swing of milk. This was their million dollar idea. Forget the whole pyramid scheme plan, this was their moneymaker.

“We-we could be the cows. Like that animal, the- the one with all the spots.” Will giggled, bouncing on Dustin’s bed. Dustin reminded himself to thank Will in his sexiest man alive acceptance speech, cause that kid was the smartest person in the world. That was a banging band name.

“Cows are really cool.” Lucas said seriously, which sent El into another fit of giggles. Lucas suddenly got angry. “What’s funny? You think cows are funny? A cow could kick your ass!” Mike shoved cheetos into Lucas’s face to calm him down, which seemed to do the trick. His emotions really changed like the wind.

“Pussy ass bitch.” Max whispered again, and fell over laughing at herself. “I could fight a cow. I would totally win.”

“Could not.”

“Could too!”

“Stupid!”

“Loser!”

“Cows!” Lucas burst out laughing and grabbed the milk from Dustin’s hand and took a swing. He poured too much and it fell all over his face. He choked for a second before laughing again. Max leaned over and messily kissed Lucas, which was disgusting.

“You taste like milk.” Max bit her lip. “Bitch.” She lost it again and tumbled over onto El.

El sat herself up and grabbed Max’s hands seriously. “I will protect you from the cows.” The two of them nodded, staring into each other's eyes. They had a weird little thing going on. The only thing Dustin was certain of was that El would indeed protect Max from the cows. The spell was broken by Mike yelling for their attention.

They all turned their heads to look at him, and he was focused in on his finger, wide eyes. Will snapped in his face, but Mike wouldn’t break his gaze.

“Fingers are so fucking weird.” Mike turned his hand so he could look at his finger from another angle, hypnotized. It was still covered in cheeto dust, and he was completely absorbed in the look of it. “Imagine if we didn’t have fingers. Like if we just had paws! Like monkeys!”

“I could fight a monkey.” Lucas decided. “I would kick a monkey’s ass. Fuck monkeys!” He said matter of factly, busting out his karate hands. Dustin blanked out for a second trying to imagine monkey hands.

“Yeah! Fuck monkeys!” Will yelped, talking way too loud. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck! See, I can swear! Fuck!” He giggled loudly and nibbled on a pop tart. It was bizarre because Will wasn’t even drinking, he just got hyped up when everyone else did. All the kid had was juice boxes (courtesy of the dumpster outside of the preschool) and he was acting crazier than the rest of them combined.

“Penis.” Max whispered in his ear, and he choked on his milk. He had stolen it back from Lucas, but Max immediately grabbed it from his hands and drank for a good five seconds. Her stomach grumbled loudly, and she laughed. “I’m gonna vomit!” She giggled, making no move to do anything about it.

Dustin felt his own stomach turn. Mike looked equally green, and Lucas laughed loudly. “We’re going to die!” They all laughed at that, and Dustin vaguely felt like he was out of his body. He ate another cheeto.

“Milk me!” El smiled as Max poured the milk into the other girls mouth. It got all over El, and the two of them laughed until they were gasping for air. Dustin swallowed his discomfort and took a bite out of Will’s pop tart. Will gasped, hitting him harder then he probably meant to.

“My tart! Apologize!” Dustin shook his head giddily. “I’ll kill you!” Will jumped on top of Dustin and punched him repeatedly until Dustin begged for mercy. It actually kind of hurt. Will was weirdly strong.

“I’m sorry for your tart!” Will hit him again, laughing scarily. “I’m sorry for the tart!”

“Tell me I’m the best!”

“You’re the best!” Will finally released him, and Dustin felt a stabbing pain in his stomach. He promptly ignored it. Lucas farted loudly and they burst out into drunken giggles.

“We’re so sick!” El said between giggles, and burped a little, which made them all laugh even more. He felt like he might die, and chuckled at the thought.

Max suddenly stopped laughing and looked terrified. “What’s wrong Maxine?” Dustin asked laughing at his own joke, getting up in her face. She opened her mouth to respond, and promptly vomited onto him.

She covered her mouth in shock and grabbed El’s hand, pulling her into the bathroom. The only bathroom. In all of his house. Dustin sputtered, closing his eyes and trying to blink the vomit off of his face. He could feel a chunk stuck on his eyelashes.

At that point he decided that his crush on Max was officially over. The taste of her vomit would be forever stuck in his mind, and the idea of kissing that made him want to throw up. But maybe he couldn’t blame wanting to throw up solely on Max.

Will turned green and retched, a little bit of throw up leaking onto Dustin’s lap. “Fucker!” Of course everyone had to target him with their fucking vomit rockets. Internally he reminded himself to trademark that. Will looked like he was about to blow chunks again, and Lucas jumped up and started to run. He could hear Lucas’s stomach grumble, followed by a loud and painful fart.

The pain in Dustin’s stomach transferred into his asshole. He was going to shit his fucking pants. He sprinted after Lucas, Will and Mike close behind.

“Let us in!” Lucas screamed, pounding on the door. “Now!” He silently cursed his Dad for leaving, due to the sole fact that thanks to him they didn’t have a big enough house for two bathrooms.

“Girls only!” El screamed back, and Lucas farted again.

“I’m going to shit myself!”

“Sucks to be you!” He heard the unmistakable sound of butt pee. “I’m sorry about your bathtub Dustin!”

“What?” He yelled, and joined Lucas banging on the door. “Let us in! This poop dams about to burst!”

No one responded. He heard Max vomit again. “We’re breaking the fucking door down!” It was officially threat level midnight. He needed the bathroom. Immediately.

Will and Mike nodded at him, and he threw his entire body weight against the door. Nothing happened. All of them joined in, but it didn’t budge. Even a running start didn’t help. Mike pounded on the door again, his face turning green. They looked at each other in horror. They weren’t getting in.

“Every man for himself!” Will screamed, and started running for the door. It was panadamonion. Lucas shoved him out of the way and started sprinting. Mike didn’t even try to escape he just pulled down him pants and started shitting right on the carpet, all while screaming “FUCK YOU!”

Dustin blinked, a bit of Max’s vomit falling into his eye. He knew the image of Mike was never going to leave his mind, and suddenly death by milk didn’t sound like the worst thing in the world. All he was certain of was that Mike was cleaning that shit up. Shit. Haha.

His stomach reminded him of how dire the situation was. He chased after Lucas, not even sure where he was going. Will had gotten on his bike and pedaled away, swerving as he tried to control his stomach. He saw the bike start to tip over, and Will leaped off, sprinting into the bushes. He looked like he was going to die.

Lucas and him made eye contact. “Mrs Donahue.” Lucas pointed up towards his elderly neighbor's window. It was open. The two of them stood in wonder for a moment before starting to run.

Lucas didn’t make it very far. He doubled over in pain, stumbled, and fell on his face. Poor boy didn’t even have time to pull down his pants. He heard a painful gurgling and saw a brown sludge on the back of Lucas’s pants. Dustin threw up a little bit. It blended in with the rest of the vomit on him, so he didn’t even care. The smell of Lucas made him gag, and he started running for his life.

He thanked every single god he could think of that Mrs. Donahue left her bathroom window open. Someday he would make that women cookies as an apology for what was about to occur in her bathroom.

He jumped up, pulling himself through the open window. It was way too easy, but he was running on pure adrenaline. This was way scarier than a demogorgon. Way scarier.

He made it, and sighed in relief. There was a minor double headed dragon incident, but at this point he was just happy to be alive. He wiped his face off a little bit with a wad of toilet paper and flushed.

He didn’t even think about it. He started to wash his hands and gargled with some water. All together things were turning out okay. Poor Lucas was still stuck out in the yard, groaning in pain.

That’s when Hopper showed up and tackled him. Bitch really broke down the door in order to bust him. He hated this fucking town.

Apparently when the toilet flushed Mrs. Donahue called the cops because she thought someone had broken into her house. Thinking about it, he technically had.

Hopper was having way too good of a time with the arrest. He put Dustin’s handcuffs on way too tight and escorted him out roughly, laughing the whole time. He ran him back to the station with the lights on. He passed Will’s bushes, and saw the ill looking boy laughing at him. Fucker.

Even when Dustin explained himself, Hopper decided the right decision was to treat him like any other criminal. He took Dustin’s mugshot, and threw him in jail for the night with one other guy who was passed out on the floor.

After yelling for twenty minutes, he annoyed Hopper into giving him his one phone call. He dialed Steve shakily, and breathed a sigh of relief when he picked up.

“Dude, you’ve got to come bail me out.”

“What?”

“I’m in jail.”

He heard Steve sigh loudly. He could practically see the look on his face. “What the hell did you do this time dumbass? I told you that vandalizing the school was a terrible idea. You’re not even a good artist!”

“Not that!” A few weeks ago Dustin had decided that his true life’s calling was artwork. He watched some movie with a sexy spray painting gangster dude, so made the decision that this was his new life’s work. Steve had not been supportive. He practiced his work on Steve’s house in revenge, which hadn’t increased Steve’s love for the arts.

“Look, it’s a really long story. I shit in some random ladies bathroom, I’m covered in vomit, Hopper’s being an asshole and I just need you to come bail me out.”

Steve just started laughing uncontrollably. “Well fuck me hard and call me Sally! I’ll come get you tomorrow. I’ll bring my camera, It’ll be great.”

Dustin groaned loudly, and he heard a bark of laughter from the office. “Stop eavesdropping Hopper!” He yelled, and all he got in response was more laughter. He fucking hated his life. “Asshole!”

“Tell Steve I’ll print the mugshot!”

“Fuck you!” He flipped Hoppers office off, and focused his attention back on his call. “Please Steve, I’ll never ask you for anything again. I just made out with Max’s lunch, there’s a poop stain on my carpet, and I’m still pain farting. I’ll do anything. I won’t even harass you for saying fuck me hard and call me Sally, even though I have to suggest you stop because you’re never going to get a girlfriend if you keep doing that.”

There was silence on the other end. “You do the dishes for a month. And you have to read me a bedtime story every night.” Dustin fucking hated Steve. Dustin asked for a bedtime story ONE TIME and now Steve wouldn’t stop talking about it. And Steve was his personal chef/cleaning lady, not the other way around!

He sighed. “Fine. But no princess shit, and you wipe the table.”

“I’m on my way. You better pay me back for this shithead.”

“Wait!” Steve hung up the phone. He was in deep shit. He had no money and no dish washing ability. He just sat back and waited.

It took Steve two hours. Two fucking hours. They both knew his house was five minutes away from the station, and Dustin decided he was going to murder Steve once he was out of prison. Fuck, there was no way he could pay for all the lawyers he needed for this shit.

Finally, a grinning Steve and Hopper showed up at his cell and unlocked it. “You’re free to go.” Hopper muttered gruffly. Steve looked delighted. He snapped a photo gleefully and the flash blinded him. Dustin hit him and pushed his way out of the cell. Steve yelped at the little amount of vomit he had gotten on him. Oh well.

He didn’t really blame Steve for wanting a photo. Max’s vomit was dripping down his face and his hair was matted with regurgitated chunks of cheeto. And of course Hopper made him get into a prison jumpsuit. He was 90% sure that you weren’t even supposed to get one if you’re in a tiny local jail, but naturally Hopper was fucking with him. He hated this goddamn town.

After the worst couple hours of his life, he stumbled back into his house, Steve coming in behind him giddily, taking photos of everything. Lucas and Will were leaning against the wall near the door, looking like they had just gone through a war. Will looked up at Dustin, horror in his eyes. “I’ve seen things that I can’t unsee.” He stared at the wall, completely dead inside. Dustin winced. He looked worse than after the Upside Down. There was diarrhea all over Lucas, and Dustin decided the best plan of action was to keep walking.

Mike was lying on the floor, clutching his stomach. There was a fucking pile of shit outside of the bathroom door, and Dustin wanted to barf again. There was no way he was cleaning that up. He nudged Mike with his foot, wanting to make sure he was still alive, and Mike just moaned painfully. Steve laughed and snapped another photo. He was going to break that goddamn camera.

Max was resting her head on El’s shoulder, exhausted. Dustin moved to open the bathroom door so he could take a shower and El slammed it shut with her powers, shaking her head slowly. “You don’t want to go in there. Bad things have happened there. Very bad things.” Dustin slammed his head against the wall angrily.

He stumbled over to his room, at least wanting to take a goddamn nap. He opened the door and of fucking course Max’s vomit was all over his bed, combined with spilled milk, cheeto dust, and a broken beer bottle. Steve snapped another photo. Of fucking course. He hated everyone.

He ended up passing out on the floor for who knows how long. After a very long nap he woke up with a hangover and stomach ache. He was never drinking again. Or eating fucking dumpster food.

Finally, after seven straight hours of cleaning, harassing his friends, and trying to wash the throw up out of his hair in the kitchen sink, they were done. Apparently seven hours was enough time to develop a photo, because Steve had printed and framed his mugshot. Max and El had set up on his kitchen table and started making a collage out of the pictures Steve had taken of the aftermath, including a close up of Mike’s shit. All of his friends were fucking disgusting.

Dustin had pretty much blacked out at this point. He had downed seven aspirin and was trying to pretend he didn’t exist. He finally understood why people drank to forget, but Dustin was completely sure he would never drink again. The taste of dumpster milk started to rise in his throat again and he gagged.

“You have any sevens?” Lucas, Mike, and Will had been playing Go Fish for fucking forever. Somehow Lucas had still not managed to grasp the rules. He dejectedly handed Will three sevens, and Mike hit him. “Why the fuck do you have three sevens?”

“I was saving them up!”

“That’s not how Go Fish works!”

“Fuck you!”

This went on for some time. Dustin had mentally checked out hours ago, and lay back on the couch staring at the ceiling. He was a criminal, a convict! And he was pretty sure he would be grounded for his entire life once his mom found out. At this point, Dustin was just trying to tune out their arguing.

The only thing making him feel better was the feast that Steve was making. Steve was clearly having the time of his life. He was blasting ABBA and humming while doing a weird little dance. Steve really did listen to the shittiest music, but Dustin was grateful that he stayed with them. He wished he had an older brother. Or a Dad. Or anyone but a fucking cat. Steve came over to him, annoyingly happy and started singing at him. He used a wooden spoon as a microphone. He pulled Dustin up and shimmied a little bit.

“I wasn’t jealous before we met! But now every woman I see is a potential threat!” He was a terrible singer, his voice was thin and off key, but Dustin grinned despite himself. Steve really did know how to cheer him up even if he was fucking annoying. Steve kept singing at him until Max and El joined in. Then Will started up, and the next thing he knew they were all yelling gleefully.

“DON'T GO WASTING YOUR EMOTION! LAY ALL YOUR LOVE ON ME!” Dustin screamed until his voice was hoarse, and Will got up and jumped up and down, getting into it.

Dustin ended up salsa dancing with Steve while El and Max pretty much grinded in each other, giggling like mad men. Lucas and Will were having an air guitar contest, which ended with Lucas sliding across the floor on his knees and screaming in pain. Apparently carpet flooring was a bad choice, but the three sevens Lucas had held onto softened the blow a little bit which was nice. Mike just stood there singing a deep base and trying a little too hard, because for some reason he thought he could sing. No matter how many times they tried to tell him he was terrible, he still tried. Even getting denied from the Hawkins High acapella group didn’t deter his dream.

Dustin’s face was bright red and he laughed, bumping into Max. She grabbed his hands and they just danced and scream sang. The music finally stopped and they all stumbled back to their seats, laughing. They really should start a band.

“Guys,” Dustin announced, clearing his throat. “I know I may have been a little mean today-”

“You called me a pussy ass bitch!” Will interjected, and Dustin rolled his eyes. He had gotten a little intense during the cleaning process. Sue him!

“Not important.” He waves Will away and moved to address the crowd. He felt like he was giving his coronation speech, and put up his hands dramatically. He was a little extra. A little.

“As I was saying,” He gave a pointed look to Will before continuing. “Today has been completely bizarre, and I’ve seen way more of you all then I ever wanted too, but you guys are my best friends.” He winked at Max who blinked at him weirdly. Looking at her brought back the taste of her vomit in his mouth, and he gagged a little bit.  
“And Lucas, buddy, I would try and refrain from sucking face with your girlfriend for a while. I think I could taste your saliva in her vomit and that disgusts me.”

“Asshole!” Lucas flipped him off and Max hit him. Dustin grinned despite himself and took his seat at the table as Steve busted out plates for all of them. It felt a little like a fairy tale, he was sitting down for an awesome dinner with all of his best friends and just having an all around good time. What else could he ask for?

Steve sat down next to him and put his arm around his shoulders. “Hope you have fun with all the dishes shithead.”

Dustin turned his head over to the overflowing sink and groaned. “Fuck me.”

He needed new friends.


End file.
